I know it has been a while since my last post. I guess i could say that life got in the way. But, if I am being truly honest I have to say for a time I just wasn't happy. I needed to shut down and be quiet so, I could hear myself. I needed to figure out what I needed, what really makes me happy. And I think I finally know. It started with a revelation a couple months ago. I will blog about it, in detail, in the coming weeks. More importantly I realized that I need to start being good to myself.
I have spent a lot of my life trying to make others happy. I thought that if my kids were happy, my family was happy, my significant other was happy then that defined happiness for me. Boy was I wrong...in so many ways. First, you should never make yourself responsible for someone else's happiness. That's a miserable job. Second, living life through someone else is not living life at all. It took me 53 years to figure that out.
So, this trip to Aruba, was about my happiness. I enjoyed some time with friends, enjoyed some time alone and basically lived each day doing what made me happy. That meant a lot of sleep (I took naps and even went to bed at 10:30 pm on my birthday), I drank (not as much alcohol as you would expect), I ate what I wanted, took long walks, sat on the beach and by the pool and I even spent an entire day shopping without buying a thing.
I always told my kids that when the last kid went off to college I was going to sell my house, buy a small condo on the beach and only worry about myself for a change. That's the person I dreamt of being but, now that I'm at that point in life I worry that it's too selfish. Is it?
Well, this week I have been selfish. I am enjoying my peace and letting people know when they disturb it. Like the aggressive timeshare lady who would not take no for an answer. She kept approaching me or trying to call me over whenever I dared to near the front desk. It felt good to tell her to go away and leave me alone. Yes, she was doing her job but, after I had already told her very politely, three times, that I was not interested I needed her to really hear me. And it worked.
Right now I am wearing the tiniest bikini with my beer belly hanging out, sitting on a beach chair, under a tiki hut, feeling a cool ocean breeze and looking out at the bluest water imaginable. I have no cares, give no fucks about what anyone who sees me might think and...I am happy.